The Life of The Un-person


   Un-person you say?  What is that?  Well.. for those of you who have read
George Orwell, it might ring a bell.. but.. maybe not the right one.  Why did
I choose this word?  Why did I decide to write about such an entity?  Well..
mostly because I have been one.. in many ways.  How so, you might ask?  Allow
me to expand.

   I could go on and on about all that I've been through.  I did at length in
my lifestory entry on this homepage.. (the "me" link near the bottom), but..
that would not quite do the truth justice.  I need to go deeper.. and contact
some things that a lot more people go through.. in order to truly touch on
what I feel led to say.

   Life began for me like anyone else.  But.. it did not continue as such.  I
grew up thinking I was somehow less than others.. that I did not measure up
because I was somehow less of a person.  Oh I might have had great
intelligence, but that was not all that welcome in school.. not by my fellow
students, and not even by teachers (when I got to points where such teachers
made errors and hated a little child correcting them on such errors).  No.. I
was not a genius.. I simply was astute in certain areas.  But.. that
astuteness did not bring me what I wanted most -- happiness.

   In fact.. as I grew up.. the more I displayed my astuteness, the less human
I felt.  The more I did my best in school, the more alone I ended up.  And
similarly, the more I sheltered my abilities in my mind, the less I found
myself ridiculed.  It was truly a confusing existence.

   But life was far more than school.  I struggled as well with parents who
divorced before I reached the ripe old age of 5... mostly on account of a
father who was very selfish, arrogant, and prideful.. unwilling to admit his
own foibles.. or accept responsibility for his own mistakes.  I grew up with a
mother who taught me many things about the world, but nothing about life.  I
learned about seatbelts, and turn signals.. about fun and games.. about
Christmas and Easter.. but nothing about relationships.. love.. or truth.  And
for a little child.. who knew not what he needed to know.. it was like being
put in front of a black and white television, and being refused the pleasure
of frolicking around in the colorful world that we have outside.  I did not
know that there was far more that I needed to know.. I only knew that I was
not happy.

   As I grew up.. I learned that few people.. very very few.. dared to care
about my misery.  It seemed that I was.. as the phrase echoes.. "Not one of
us".  This idea echoed in my mind all the time.. whether I was at a family
gathering in the midwest (2000 miles from home), a school dance, a party at
the neighborhood swimming pool, you name it.  It didn't seem to matter.  I
didn't fit in... and I didn't know if I ever could.. though I always hoped
that I somehow would.

   Oh yes.. as I mentioned in my lifestory.. there were a few instances where
I did feel as though I fit in... but they seemed to all be ripped right out
from under me within "seconds" (so to speak) of my coming to that belief.  To
dare to think I belonged anywhere was to blaspheme against all the data that
was coming in at all times.  I simply did not fit.

   So what happened?  I turned inside.  I turned to fantasy.. to a life where
people cared.  But.. what happened because of that?  I ended up losing out on
all that I *could've* known.  For years.  I didn't know people could care,
because I hadn't truly experienced it.  Yes.. I had been cherished... yes I
had been laden with goods to enjoy.. yes I had been instructed.. but.. I was
still lacking in one thing -- I was not human.  In other words.. I was truly..
an un-person.

   You say, "fantasy?"  "Where people care?"  That's it alright.  That's why I
turned to it.  I turned to fantasy to find a place where people thought I
mattered... where people would make me feel special.. where people would stand
up and say, "This kid really belongs!"  But it was only a ghost...  A figment
of my imagination.  It was only a fading shadow.. that brought me more
emptiness.. and stretched my hope ever thinner.

   So what was I to do?  What could I do?  I turned to churches.. I turned to
relationships.. I turned to friendships.. to school.. to family.. to fun.. to
you name it.. and where did I end up?  Still out in the cold.. and still.. an
un-person.

   Why did I stay an un-person?  Why couldn't I find my way home?  I guess one
day it finally lodged in my brain that.. the only way to truly find a home is
to acknowledge that you won't find one in this world.  The only way to find
happiness is to acknowledge that this world can't give it to you.  The only
way to become a person.. is to realize that all that I thought would make me a
person.. wouldn't really do any good... even if I had it all.

   I've never been one that liked trusting.  Matter of fact.. I was so scared
as a child to jump off of a 3 foot high diving board into the water that I had
to be lowered in by several people.  I never liked back-dives.. and to this
day, I have never done one.  Why?  Because I could never trust my own footing
and back long enough to lean back and push myself in.  I would always flinch..
and end up doing a very painful backflop.  It hurt!  And it drove me to the
same conclusion -- trust was dangerous.  If you didn't go all the way with
it.. you would end up hurt.  And with my lack of person-hood.. how could I
dare trust my own body to measure up to the task at hand?  How could I dare
risk asking someone out on a date?  How could I dare risk.. at all?

   There was only one thing that I trusted... and that was facts.  Facts did
one thing that nobody else in my life did -- they stayed.  They didn't move.
They didn't budge.  They kept on being themselves.. and didn't turn tail.
They were.. well.. people?

   Interesting conclusion.. ya know?  I mean.. They did one thing that no
human around me was doing.. they didn't let me down.  I found such a power in
knowing facts.. maybe that's why I was so good at certain aspects of school..
cuz I loved facts so much that I dwelled on them often.. and relating them and
how they interacted became second nature to me.

   But.. you see.. Facts don't hug you when you go to bed at night.  Facts
don't tell you that you're alive and worthwhile and special.  Facts don't make
you birthday cake and throw parties for you or kiss you on the cheek.  And
most of all.. facts don't love you.

   Man.. if there's one thing I've learned in life.. that's probably it.
"Facts don't love you".  The thing is.. I think a lot of people like trusting
in facts like I have.. cuz people have let them down too.  And not just a
little.  It's not only normal.. but all too proliferous these days.. that
people keep letting us down.  It's all so easy to put facts.. and their
near-cousin, algorithims.. at the top of our list when it comes to finding
peace in the world.  All because facts.. don't let you down.

   But like I said.. facts don't love you.. and probably the second thing I've
learned in life.. is that people need love.  We all do.  Whether you're 2 or
122 or 922.  We all need to be loved.  But.. what is love.. without facts?

   Yup.. interesting.. don't you think?  I mean.. if you say you love
someone.. but.. you keep presenting them false notions of what truth is.. by
your refusal to cling to what is true.. your love is truly meaningless.. cuz
it moves... it isn't stable.. it doesn't stay.  Real love must.. by
definition, include a total adherence to facts.  But.. then we must get into
the notion of.. how do you konw what a fact is anyway?

   That's the major question of this life now.. isn't it?  I mean.. living
life means putting your foot down and pushing forward.  But in order to put
your foot down, you have to be willing to take a risk that what you're putting
your foot on won't give way.  You need to believe that what you are about to
take a chance on.. won't break when you put your weight on it.  You need to
put your faith.. in something you can't measure.

   That's right.  See.. no human being is born with the understanding of what
all the facts are.. what is solid and what isn't.  We all come into this world
with a human lack.. a lack that our parents are *supposed* to help us deal
with.. and gain wisdom so that we can best know where to put our feet.  But
our world is filled with so many unloving parents (parents who may think they
love you.. or say they love you.. but who refuse to hold tight to truth)..
that they end up telling us to put our feet in many places that.. though they
may hold for an instant.. when we truly put our weight on them.. they give
way.  And sometimes not so gently.  Sometimes.. they can nearly cost us our
lives.. merely by trusting in where our parents (or any such mentors) have
told us to "put our feet".

   So what's the answer?  It's really very simple.  You need to find your way
to a person.. to someone.. who loves you.. by refusing to let go of the
truth.. and, in so doing, never lets go of you either.  There's only one
person I know who can do that.. and that's cuz of whom He truly is.  He put it
this way, "I am the way, the *TRUTH*, and the life."  Recognize it yet?  It's
by the well-known carpenter of Galilee who did miracles and.. in truth.. split
time in half (B.C. / A.D.).

   Ok ok.. you wanna know why I'm pointing to Him?  I'm not gonna give you a
lot of religious dogma... though I know that there's a ton out there that does
point to Him.  I just want to point to Him my own way.. by saying.. I was
hurting.. I was lost.. I was confused.  I didn't know how to find my way out
of this mess.  I had no idea what to do.  Even churches let me down.  But one
thing didn't -- Him.  Oh He has allowed me to go through a lot of junk.. yes..
oh man has He.  Some of it was my doing.. some of it was others' doing.  But..
He has never left me.. nor forsaken me.. just like He promised.  And because
He *IS* the truth.. He can't very well forsake facts.. or real truth.. cuz to
do so would be to forsake Himself.. something that I don't think is possible.

   My own relationshp with God.. through Jesus.. has been the *ONLY* thing
that has brought me through this life.. and has gotten me through my messes.
Oh I have stumbled.. to be sure.  I have fallen.. I have even run into sin
like there's no tomorrow.  Why?  I chose to.  Oh I can give you excuse after
excuse.. and reason after reason.  But.. truth is.. I was born a sinner..
without the ability to avoid sin totally.. and thus.. I chose to sin.  But.. I
thank my Big Brother Jesus.. who delivers from all the oppression of sin.. by
His own sacrifice on the Cross.. who has stayed beside me.. though I fell and
ran and ran and stumbled and tumbled and foibled and fumbled.  I praise Him
with my whole heart.. that He has made the difference.. that *HE* alone has
made me happy.

   Yes, Happy.  I may not have all the riches in the world.. but I don't need
them.  I may not have any friends that know me very well.. but.. I don't need
them.  I may not have a wife.. or parents that truly knew the way to Him..
but.. I don't need them.  All I need.. is my relationship with God.. through
Him... and that's it... and I can finally.. *FINALLY*.. know that I can be
happy.. and at peace.

   You wanna pursue worldly riches?  They won't make you happy.  You wanna
pursue a wife..?  A confidente..?  A partner?  They won't make you happy.  You
wanna change the world..?  Make it a better place..?  It won't make you happy.
Oh yes.. these might give you a measure of pleasure.. maybe even a few years'
worth if you're very very lucky.. but.. in the end.. there's only one thing
that will make you happy... and that's a relationship with the God and His
Son... the ones responsible for your creation.. who have designed you and want
you to know your true purpose for living.  Only by living out that
relatingship.. with continued communication on your part.. can you know the
true peace and joy and continued love that you need.

   Oh..  And while I'm at it.. let me also point out.. that since He made the
universe.. and made you.. He knows what is best for all of us.. and wants to
give you more than your wildest dreams could ever be.  The only thing is.. you
have to come to Him on His terms -- admitting your place as needing Him to fix
you from your condition of doing what is wrong... or sinning.  Only by
trusting in Jesus as God's Son can you know the peace of God.. by knowing
peace *with* God.. and surrendering your fighting against Him.  His benefits..
truly *are* out of this world.

   So what can I do to sum this all up?  Probably just this:  I learned the
words to songs as a kid.. but I never knew the meaning.  I finally found the
meaning.  It's in living the right way.. for the right reason.  And the only
Person who will always tell you what's right.. and never lie.. is the One who
can't lie -- God, Himself.  And the only way to get to Him, is by trusting in
the one way to Him.. Jesus... "No one comes unto the Father, but by Me."

   So.. if you're lost.. confused.. missing out.. or just plain thinking
you're an un-person.. like I was once, think again.  There's a real Person..
just waiting for you.. waiting to shower you with real love.. love that never
abandons truth.. and that lives forever.  What more could you ask for? :)